Work Life Balance

Is my life slowly wearing me down?

Over the past 12-24mths I have been questioning if the choices I have made and life that I am currently leading are really the best for me and my family.  The last 6-8 weeks have been particularly stressful, for reasons explained later. The more time that goes on the more I think about it, but I still can’t seem to make a definitive decision on what to do.  Maybe putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, will help me sort the jumble of thoughts I have in my head.

Almost 12 years ago in July 2004 I got married.  It was a perfect day, I would still do it all again tomorrow but sometimes I wonder if I want to do it all again so that I can go back to the people we were then and rub out some of the decisions that we have made since?

Earlier in 2004 we moved out of the city and out into the countryside to an area we didn’t really know anything about.  It was still a commutable distance for my husband to get to his business fairly easily.  A house in the country with some land, stables on the drive and my own horse visible in the field from house.  I was in heaven!  For the next 2 years we worked hard and played hard.  At last I had what I had dreamed of as a child, a horse, some transport and the ability to go to competitions.  I spent every other weekend competing, in my chosen discipline of dressage, I discovered I had quite a competitive nature.  My non horsey husband was there to calm my nerves and be my man on the ground.  He learnt to load and unload Ralph onto the wagon and stood by the arena side taking video footage for me to analyse later.  Together we made a great team.

At the end of 2005 I fell pregnant but that wasn’t going to stop me, I carried on riding and competing until I was at least 6mths pregnant.  We then put our efforts into doing some renovations to the house in preparation for the the arrival of our first baby.  We never do anything in small measures so we began taking down an internal chimney, replacing it with an external chimney and wood burner and moving and adding windows.  The new floor in the living room had only just been finished and the scaffolding was still up when I went into labour.

Earlier in 2005 my husband had made a decision to open a new business closer to home.  The product was something neither of us had any previous experience of in a business sector he had no previous knowledge of.  I can’t really remember how I felt about his decision.  Should I have recognised it as a sign?  Looking back it certainly wasn’t a rational decision to turn your back on an established business and start again with a new product in an area you are unfamiliar with.  I didn’t really have much to do with his existing business, I had my own job and just left him to it.  By the time our first daughter arrived in August the new business had been open for about 3mths and all was going well.  I was offered volunatry redundancy from my job while I was on maternity leave, I took it so that I could help out in the new business.  The flexibility of being able to work part time and take baby with me to work, no nursery fees to pay was great.  We are now 10 years on and the business is still going, we now have two daughters a horse and a pony.

It all sounds like a fairy tale but the 10 years of working 7 days a week has taken its toll on my husband and our relationship.  We worked together in the business for 8 years and even took on the UK distribution of the product we sell for a while.  I had no idea how stressful running your own business could be, having employees, managing cash-flow, dealing with the general public.  When things are going well it is pretty easy; money comes in from sales and goes out to suppliers everybody is happy any problems never seem that bad.  When sales are slow and you haven’t got money coming in quickly enough the worry and stress is indescribable and there is no getting away from it.  It is with you in work and is in your head at home.  Any other little issue or problem is like a huge disaster whether it be work or home life.  In 2014 with both girls at school I made the decision to go back to work.  I took a part time role initially to test the water, to give us the security of a regular income and to try and separate our lives a bit so it wasn’t just all about the business.  With the ambition to try and clamber some way back up the career ladder within 12mths I had a small promotion and was back to working full time.  I was very apprehensive about working full time in a job that has me on my feet for 8hrs a day and is a 40min drive from home but the guaranteed regular monthly income was an incentive.

Have I expected too much from my husband and myself?

So here I am, working full time in my main job, part time doing the books and admin for my husband with two young children two horses.  I often wonder how I manage to keep it together.  Do I actually keep it together?  On the most part yes, but sometimes I feel I am just existing and don’t think I am truly succeeding at anything.  I can’t focus on more career progression in my job.  I haven’t the time to put in extra study and to be honest the monetary reward for the amount of work I would have to put in is not that great an incentive.  I am always tired so don’t have the energy to ride my horse or the kid’s pony which then impacts on them as they can’t get out and ride their pony.  I quite often have to choose between house work or book keeping and so my house is pretty much a tip all the time.  This again impacts on the kids as I don’t like to have their friends round when the house is dirty and untidy.

I have always thought I could have it all and do it all and to some extent I have been able to do this.  But ultimately it comes with a price.  I competed show ponies for a friend when my girls were babies.  She looked after the girls while I rode her ponies.  It worked well but I worried about whether or not she was getting fed up dealing with my screaming children while I rode round the show ring trying to win ribbons.  Then there were the arguments at home with my husband as he complained about mucking and why wasn’t I riding my own horse.  He didn’t seem to understand that because he was always at work I had no one to look after the kids so that I could ride my own horse so I just had to take the opportunity when I was given it.

Where was my husband?  Could he not help with the day to day household chores?  Can he not look after the kids?  I mentioned before he works 7 days a week so he does he does his best, in fact sometimes he surprises me.  He takes that kids to school, picks them up when I am at work, makes the tea.  He takes the girls to work with him in the school holidays, which is far from ideal.  He can even load and unload the washing machine.  The thing is he needs to be reminded to do extra things, which is probably pretty normal for a man.  However for a long time now his mood has been very up and down and in more recent years we have been arguing more and more.  If I asked him to do anything extra alongside the day to day things, it was usually result in an argument.  Even things like a change in tea time due to an impromptu event has caused an screaming argument.

Is he going mad?

The reason I have decided to write this post is because recently my husband has been diagnosed with depression.  It is something that I don’t understand and am finding hard to come to terms with but for years all the signs were there.  I think I just learnt to live with them.  I put the arguments and outbursts down to everyday life, two kids a business.  You get a bit tired, have a bad day, any number of things can result in an argument.  The past 6-8 weeks have been the worst of my life.  The medication he was prescribed didn’t agree with him and was pretty much unable to function.  He told me he couldn’t see a tunnel, never mind the light at the end of it.  Those who know me will know that I am not a particularly sympathetic person and my response was just pull yourself together and get a grip.  Apparently it isn’t the best way to deal with something like depression.  Thankfully the medication has been changed and so far there seem to be no side effects.  I am really hoping that it starts to work and I start to see the man that I married again and not the broken one that I have.  It has been so long that I’m not even sure if I can remember what he was actually like.  How sad is that?

The blog, the job, the business, the family?

I started the blog and online shop in order to provide me with another income stream; this should in turn provide the flexibility to work more from home, spend more time with my girls, be more productive helping my husband with his business and get my housework under control.  Although owning and running your own business is stressful, the benefits to your family life, if you get it right can be enormous.  It can be very rewarding and not just financially.

So the questions are?  Can I do it all or do I need to bite the bullet and let something go?  If I do have to let something go, what is it?

Answers on a postcard or just post your comments below.